Irreversible Life

After

Hello! Ma jebeš to. Šumniki. Veliko bolje. Včasih mi ful sede it na trening. Včasih plešem in svet je lepši. Včasih kasneje pogledam in niti ni tako slabo, kot se mi v glavi dozdeva. Potem stvar zmontiram in vržem na YouTube. Počasi bi lahko nastalo nekaj iz tega.

Drugič pride trening, ko se znajdeš poleg treh profesionalcev in te tvoja relativna ničelnost preplavi z občutkom praznine, kurac pa še to, in na koncu odideš nejevoljen, vse skupaj nima smisla. Oni to počnejo za življenje, jaz samo zato, da zaživim. Prepad med svetovoma je prevelik.

Tvoj neobstoj se stopnjuje z vsakim nihljajem pramenov, utripom bokov, drsljajem kolen stikajoč se s tlemi, ki so edina deležna vseh njenih dotikov. Popolno, na vsak impulz glasbe.

Ničla v primerjavi z njimi. Ničla v njihovih očeh, če ne bi bile preveč zaposlene z nadzorovanjem svojih občutkov in premikov. To zavedanje ničnosti, jebeno srednješolsko nobeni-punci-nisem-všeč samofrustriranje, to te naredi hladnega, tvoje poteze preveč premišljene, posledično neiskrene in nepomembne. Mogoče bo nekoč boljše, a ne ta večer.

Vračaš se izgubljen, vrneš apatičen. Pod tušom se strezneš in se s prijateljem Jegrom zaplankiraš pred resničnim stanjem. You suck. You suck so very much.

Before we moved into this room it was occupied by another couple. We rarely saw them, they kind of kept to themselves. Now we became that other couple. Trapped in our room, disillusioned by the careless student life around us.

Me much more then her. I was probably the very reason of her demise. The Paradise changed me. Satisfied with work, serious about studying and finishing college, I really didn’t need more than my daily commute from the bed to the computer, there and back again. It spread like a plague onto her too, sucked the living joy out of her life. She needed real people, not just machines. I guess I was not such an extrovert after all.

After a year of such nonsense we decided to make a new step, reignite the flame in our relationship and really move in together. Like adults, a real rented flat, top floor, with a balcony and all that jazz.

In the back of my mind I wasn’t sure about it. I wasn’t sure about myself. My gut feeling was chipping at my soul. I should have saved her and myself the trouble. Of course I didn’t know better.

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(Source: matej.retronator.com)

Prepare now reader, for the final chapter of utter doom, as life serves ups and downs unevenly. Scratch that, we serve our ups and downs unevenly and I was just about to start serving myself shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It didn’t all happen over night, but the trends should have been alarming. I still can’t believe it took us two years to break out of it.

We moved into my dorm room together, but the place we came to was not the one we left behind one year ago. As anyone who has lived in a dorm will tell you, people come and people go. Her best friend went to study abroad just when we returned. Another got lost and cut himself from our world. The social circle I saw her flourish in — the light that made her shine so bright to make me madly fall in love with her — was all crumbling down like a deck of cards.

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(Source: matej.retronator.com)

When winter became spring and spring turned to summer, our hearts were fully healed. We focused on ourselves and the warmth of the sun closed our kryptonite wounds.

When one finds peace in personal life it’s so much easier to have a happy relationship. That’s why you’re in it in the first place, because the whole is more than the sum of its parts. There’s something so magical in falling asleep with a girl pressed tightly to your body, so precious in having someone special to share your dreams and fears with. When life was good, that was all I needed.

The summer ended with a transformation in myself. We traveled through landscape after landscape, bathed in raindrops and touched the sky, sun reflecting in the fields under our feet. I found my Shangri-La at the end of the road, just like I imagined, under a palm tree. My soul was calm, my mind free. There, on that beach, I found my paradise. I would not be myself without it anymore.

When sun set under the breaking waves for the last time it was time to return to reality. Time to move home.

(Source: matej.retronator.com)

One day she asked me if I really loved her. I couldn’t answer. I was not sure what love was anymore. I just knew this wasn’t it. If this was it, why do my passionate desires lie elsewhere? How do you know, when you have nothing to compare it to? What if the grass is greener on the other side? The unknown was eating me from inside out. My success brought images of threesomes and casual fucking back into my head. I haven’t tasted life yet. I wanted only the best, the ideal. No matter how much I tried to make her fit the mold, she would never be good enough. With the battle lost upfront, the answer to her question got stuck deep inside my throat. Dreadful silence filled the air.

That moment was not a lonely instance. We fought and we broke down. When I was ready to leave, I cut my long hair, shaving the time we spent together off my head. A skinhead emerged from the bathroom, but just like many times before, when faced with losing each other we realized how much we still cared. It always surprised me how much I cared for her, even though she was not my ideal. Life is never black and white, decisions never obvious and easy. We made up — sooner than later — and moved on into another peaceful time together.

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(Source: matej.retronator.com)

She didn’t say yes. Too soon, too young, too me. She knew me better than I did myself. One inevitable divorce averted. We decided to wait with such things.

Problems resurfaced soon enough. I used my stabilized life to work, she used it to tell me I work too much. Even when I was tagging along with her friends, my mind was left behind on my projects. The stereotypical picture of an artist/inventor suited my ego. High on geek fame and my hour rate I started searching for myself in her, but there was no crazy creative person to be found, just like I was not the gentleman socialite she needed. I was not The One for her and she was not for me.

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(Source: matej.retronator.com)

We moved in together for the first time in our lives. The start of a real life together, filled with planning how to move furniture, meeting new neighbors and cuddling in the warmth of our home when the cold outside started pressing on.

We were together for less than a year and the first anniversary was just around the corner. I was happy. For the first time in my life everything clicked. With my teenage wishes all fulfilled my mind was freed. No more ups and down. Just zen.

With the first year ending I was ready to do something big. Her head was resting on my shoulder, out of breath like so many times after the magic of sex. The endorphin levels were high and I wanted them to last forever. I popped the question. There, on that night, I asked her to marry me.

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(Source: matej.retronator.com)